I’m here, I’m breathing

It’s been almost exactly two months since I published my last post. That’s not the longest dry period the blog has had, but it is the second longest– and I wanted to let everyone know that I’ve been thinking of you and that I miss you and writing here in this space.

Every February, I know that seasonal affective disorder is a thing I have and that I’ll have to deal with, and even so every February it manages to surprise me. Handsome had to remind me pretty much every day that when my body literally dumps me on to the floor and says “you’re not getting up, you’re stuck there, nah na na nah na” is not because I’m a lazy ne’er-do-well but because I’m sick. And, like always, “I don’t believe you,” seemed like the appropriate response. I don’t think I’ll ever understand the conversation I have with myself every year:

“Sam, you have like six things to do today. You need to stop staring at the wall and do them.”
“Yeah, well, have you thought about maybe just staying here for no reason?”
“No, seriously. Things. To. Do.”
“Well, I’m the one controlling your arms and legs and your ability to climb stairs so nyah.”

So that was February. The depression started to fade in March … and then I got the flu, and then the flu again, and then a bizarre stomach virus that took me out of commission for a week. I never get sick, so that was an actual shock, unlike February. I haven’t had a stomach bug since I was five, and that’s not an exaggeration. The only time I’ve thrown up since then was an adverse reaction to a medication, and that was over ten years ago. Amusingly, having a can’t-even-keep-water-down-for-two-days sickness doesn’t really hold a candle to what happens when I eat a breadcrumb, so it wasn’t even really that bad.

In the midst of all of that, I’ve planned, run, and attended so many meetings. So. Many. For whatever reason people trust me enough to put me in charge of things– which I both love and hate them for– but trying to keep up with Chairwoman Hat and Seminarian Hat and Resistance Organizer Hat has been about all I can manage– Writer Hat ended up on the shelf. But, I think I’m recovering now, and I’ve decided that the Seminarian Hat is going on the shelf for the summer (instead of taking summer intensives), and Resistance Organizer Hat is being downgraded to Resistance Participant Cap.

That being said, I have three more meetings this week, several more interviews to conduct for my research project, three books to read, and a term paper to start researching for, so I’m probably going to be disappearing again for a while. I am continuing to tweet things, so look for me there (@samanthapfield). I hope everyone is having a lovely spring!

Photo by Lindsey Turner
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  • Kathleen Margaret Schwab

    I think of you in seminary – keep on keeping on 🙂

  • Shaina

    Hey, take care of yourself! I haven’t commented a lot on your work, but I want you to know that your perspective and writing has really helped me. When I discovered your blog, I was in the midst of recovering from some harmful, Fundamentalist beliefs (aren’t we all?) and I was starting to lose hope that any Christian doctrine could be healthy or good.
    That’s when I started reading your work and you introduced me to Liberation Theology, which I love to this day. It is so good for my healing to go back and think about old passages of the Bible in ways that support my feminism and sexuality.
    Thank you for all of your work. 🙂

    • The Mom

      I share you’re relief as well. It was Sam that introduced me to another way of viewing my faith – from inside the perspective of someone that was groomed for abuse, abused, then blamed for her abuse by the practitioners of my faith – that made me–first very, very angry–then take a step back and I saw that she was not only correct, but had blazed the trail for me to find a way back to myself, who I am and have always been inside, without losing my love for God and my faith in the redemptive life of their Son.

  • J. Barrett Lee

    You just keep doing your thing and we’ll keep reading. Thankful for whatever bits of your life you choose/are able to share with us.

  • Ysolde

    Glad to see you are better.

  • I’m glad you’re on the upswing! I have 800 pages to read and 15 pages to write in the next 9 weeks for my current seminary term. Solidarity.

    • Friday, 10a: interviews for research project
      Friday, 7:30p: meeting with executive committee of local Democrats
      Saturday, 9a: meeting with DCC of county and state Democrats
      Sunday: work, read 300 pages and write paper by midnight
      Tuesday, 7p: meeting with committee I chair ….

      I’m not exactly sure how that happened. I’m loving seminary but damn. I don’t even know how many pages are left in the semester, but the last book for my religious studies course comes with the professor’s disclaimer that it is the “hardest book we’ve read this semester, take your time, re-read things if you have to” and I’m eyeballing Ogden and Eliade going wtf

  • Sarah S

    I did not think I would survive January/February/March this year (except the first two weeks of Feb when the frogs start up, and the robins and the daffodils and we imagine it’s spring). I don’t know why it always blindsides me. It happens every year. Then we’ve had this dragging cold virus all April. So, I hear ya.

    Take care of yourself <3 I'll look forward to hearing from you whenever you have time 🙂